Just Another Day To Get Through

Most people look forward to their birthdays.

Not me.

Although I’m turning twenty-two in a few days; this is supposed to be a happy time, my birthdays over the past few years have been uneventful or just upsetting.

When I was younger, I loved my birthdays. I had parties with friends. Like all children, I looked forward to each birthday party. But my last real birthday “party” was my Sweet Sixteen.

Ever since, my birthdays haven’t been happy or eventful.

I attended three different high schools growing up. I didn’t want to, but I had no choice. I actually enjoyed my first high school - for a few months, I had the quintessential high school experience.

However, things took a dark turn at the end of my freshman year. I was diagnosed with teenage depression. I never believed the diagnosis and didn’t like my therapist - he was very passive-aggressive. I told my parents I couldn’t deal with him, so they said it was okay to stop seeing him. I attended counseling sessions with a psychologist while we looked for another therapist.

I didn’t think I had teenage depression because I wasn’t particularly sad. Instead I felt worried, nervous and anxious. I told my psychologist that I felt like I had teen anxiety. Due to the anxiety, I had trouble with keeping up in school, so I decided to take time off. My school counselor recommended a youth program nearby that allowed students to catch up on school while getting treatment. I went for three weeks.

When I finished my stay at the program, I went back to my high school. It wasn’t easy - I’d missed out on so much; normal daily school activities were overwhelming. I got into a lot of fights with other people, which increased my anxiety.

After much consideration, my parents and I decided that it would be best to switch schools. As much as I didn’t want to leave my friends, I thought I needed a new environment; I hoped a new school could give me a fresh start.

My second high school was near my home, which made commuting easy. I loved this school. I spent sophomore and junior year there -  I made friends easily, my teachers were kind. My grades even improved.

Once I turned seventeen, things started going downhill. I was sexually harassed and assaulted by someone I trusted. I was scared for my safety, felt helpless, and defeated. The only way to escape seeing this person every day was to stop going to that school.

So I switched schools, again.

I registered at a new school for my senior year. It was boring - the school had no sports teams, no prom, not even a gym. It was just a small community school.

Switching schools lead to broken friendships and short-lasting relationships.

My seventeenth birthday was the first birthday I didn’t celebrate with friends. Instead, I had dinner with my family, went shopping and watched a movie with one friend. While I appreciated this, there’s nothing like celebrating your birthday with a bunch of friends that care about you.

My eighteenth, nineteenth and twentieth birthdays have been the same: no big party, no clubbing adventures, nothing like other people my age do for their birthdays. On Facebook, I see photos of my peers celebrating their birthdays with fabulous parties and I get jealous.

And it sucks.

I wish I had that. When I was sixteen, my friends and I made plans to go to Vegas for our twenty-first birthdays and Europe when we turned eighteen. It never happened. I think it’s because anxiety took over my life. I had symptoms of agoraphobia at seventeen.

I shut down at my third high school - I just went to finish high school. College was around the corner, and I looked forward to a better experience.

Today, I’m in my senior year of college. I’ve made some friends, and last year for my twenty-first birthday, I celebrated at a restaurant with a close friend from college. It wasn’t a party or a big celebration, but it was something. It was the first time since seventeen that I had someone other than my family to celebrate with.

I don’t know if it’s because I had fun parties as a child that I feel like I’m missing out now. Back then, I had big celebrations with a bunch of friends which made me feel loved and appreciated, whereas now - I celebrate with my family. It makes me feel lonely.

My plans for my twenty-second birthday are up in the air. Usually, my family takes me out to a restaurant. I’ll be seeing only a few friends on my birthday, but I’m not planning a big party.

According to my psychologist, my trust issues stemmed from my assault, so I’ve become wary of who I let into my life. I have difficulty forming new friendships because fear and anxiety get in my way. So even if I could throw a big party, I don’t really have anyone to invite aside from my family and very few friends.

I want to throw a big party and have a grand celebration, but it’s something that may never happen. It’s been five years since the assault, but I still feel the pain of a helpless girl in high school.

Each birthday is just another reminder of how lonely I really am.