I’m a Sex Addict And Lost My Husband
Approximately 9 million Americans have some form of sexually compulsive behavior.
This is her story:
Or, at the very least, I’m an attention whore.
I’ve just destroyed my second marriage - I was unable to stay focused on my husband. I’ve hurt two good men with my selfish behaviors. I made excuses for my behavior, my friends helped me make excuses for myself in order to justify the way I was acting.
Over the last two years, I’ve been sporadically answering personal ads on Craigslist, with every intention of just flirting with the guys. I’d never truly intended to go any further than a little flirty fun. Each of the relationships started out via email - we’d email back and forth, just chatting. Most of the guys were quick to suggest that we meet up.
Most - but not all - of the time I said no.
I met one man over my lunch break and I let him kiss me. I kissed him back. He began pressuring me to go places with him, to have sex, I stopped talking to him.
Twice in the past two years, I’ve gone out drinking with friends, and wound up making out with someone I’d just met. I came very close to having sex with one of them.
I discovered emails my husband had exchanged with someone he called “Sunshine.” I used those emails to justify my actions – even though I’d started before I found this emails. I used his email exchange with sunshine as an excuse to text and send pictures to one of the men I’d met all day.
My husband found the messages and called me on it. We fought - I made more excuses and more justifications.
I’ve been unhappy for years, I cried. We aren’t friends anymore, I moaned. I accused him ofcheating on me to attempt to distract my ownfeelings of guilt. I pounced on him for every small thing I could find.
The truth was, he forgave me. Over and over. Healways put me first - he did everything for me.
In turn, I treated him like shit.
I didn’t talk to my husband about things that bothered me. I didn’t treat him like he was my best friend. I swore I did. I swore I tried. In some ways, I did try.
But every time, I went back to scouring personal ads and texting other men. I made justifications and excuses, each and every time. As long as I wasn’t actually having sex, it was okay, right?
No. It wasn’t.
What I’ve written here for you, The Band, isn’t even close to the worst I’ve done with my sex addiction.
Before I began looking at personal ads, I had several full-blown affairs. During one marital separation, I was totally out of control - I “dated” two different guys, paying little attention to mychildren, driving all over the place to see these men.
Where do I go from here? I’ve lost a lot of friends over my sex addiction. I’ve lost the man I saw myself growing old with. I destroyed that.
Me, on my own.
And for what? I didn’t really want the sex - I wanted the attention. I don’t know why. I got plenty of attention at home. I’ve realized this has been a pattern starting at age sixteen: cheat on a partner, dump them, hurt them before they hurt you.
The men in my life haven’t deserved that.
I know now that I have an unhealthy need for attention. I develop unhealthy relationships with men, casting myself as the victim. I realized I can’t really enjoy sex with someone I love. For some reason, sex with someone I love feels wrong.
You might think that I didn’t love my husband. You’d be wrong: I did. I do. I love him so much it hurts.
I can see the pain in his eyes and hear the hurt in his voice. I know I did that to him all by myself. He didn’t “make me” do it, nothing could’ve stopped me from doing it.
I wasn’t ready to admit that before.
Only now can I admit my part in this. I know I need to make changes for myself and for my daughters.
I will go back to my psychiatrist and admit this. I will attend a Sex Addiction meeting. I will stopmaking excuses for my behavior, and I will ask people to hold me accountable. I will stay single and celibate, for as long as it takes to heal whatever is broken within me - until I can have a healthy, honest relationship.
Don’t be me.
If you think you might have a sexual addiction, don’t wait. Find help. If I’d gotten help sooner, I might not have lost the man I loved so dearly.
My only hope is that someday, those I hurt canforgive me.