BB2G World Tour: Dear Young Cindy

As the saying goes, hindsight is 20/20. Do you have life lessons that would have helped you through a difficult time?

Share those with The Band as you write a letter to your younger self.

Dear Young Cindy,

If you are reading this, congratulations. You survived the 80s! One day, you will look back and want to kick yourself in the ass. Or something.

One day, you will see young, trendy things wear Ray Ban Wayfarers, and you will remember when you lost a pair while skipping school in a stolen boat. You will also remember that you bought them because of Sonny Crockett’s effortless cool.

#spoileralert: You look back at these images and cry because this is as good as it gets for the House of Versace. Another #spoileralert: They blow up that car. Shut up already, they give him a cooler one.

While we’re talking about effortless cool, let’s talk about your hair because cool is one thing it ain’t. Just stop it already. You look like an idiot trying to achieve bangs like this 

and you will someday have a fierce desire to go through all eleventy-thousand pictures your mom has from your childhood and destroy all photographic proof that you even tried this. Or giant bows.

Speaking of looking like an idiot, #pantsarebullshit. Especially these:

and these

Knickers and stirrup pants are just ridiculous. And extremely unflattering. You should burn these pants.

Skinny jeans will also fall out of favor, but you really should think twice before finally throwing your skinny jeans away. About 5 years after you do, they will come back into favor. While you’re cleaning out the closet, do throw away all the things that look like this:

because one day you will realize that shoulder pads look ridiculous. Also? You will grow up to have enough trouble fitting your strong arms and shoulders into shirts and jackets; shoulder pads just make the problem worse.

Enjoy Guns & Roses while it lasts, because this:

grows up to look like this:

And this guy?

Goes on to greatness such as this:

Slash, however, doesn’t appear to have aged one second, but then again, who could tell through all that hair and that awesome hat? He will continue creating great music with the rest of the band, as well as doing some interesting collaborations with diverse artists. Like Michael Jackson.

As for Skid Row, well, I have no idea what happened to the rest of Skid Row, but who cares anyway? Sebastian will turn up from time to time making stupid comments on “World’s Dumbest Criminals” right next to Leif Garrett. In twenty years, all of them will look rather pathetic. Except Slash.

Don’t mourn the hair bands too much. Nickelback will come along and remind you very much of them all one day. Most people will hate them. You will love them. Until #chavril.

If you’re wondering what all the pound signs are for, well, I don’t know how to explain them. They’re called #hashtags and you? Will one day think in them.

You may hate these years right now, but I promise you that one day you’ll look back and laugh. You will laugh at your arrogance, you will laugh at your taste in clothing, and you will hope that the 80s never come around again in fashion. They will, and you will buy a pair of harem pants. At 42. (Your ass will look great in them, I promise.)

I’m not going to tell you what happens to you by the time you turn 40. You wouldn’t believe it anyway. You’re too busy hanging out with guys who dress like Sonny Crockett, trying to achieve 8” of height in your bangs, wearing stirrup pants, and drooling over Axl Rose.

Congratulations on surviving the 80s, I promise it’s worth it! There will come a day when you can settle into your skin and be really OK with that. Just know that you don’t do it alone.

Now, just to embarrass you, I’m going to post this on the internet. (Don’t worry about what that is, you’ll know in about 10 years. You will also start downloading mp3 files loooong before Apple invents the iPod, which makes you a little bit really hip in your twenties.)

BAHAHAHAHAHA

XOXOXOXOXO

Old Cindy