I Wish I Didn’t Want Him

I am 18 years old and I was sexually molested from the ages of 12 to 14.

He was 44 and my best friend’s dad. He was there for me, he would comfort me if I was upset, he made me laugh. I thought we were friends; he made me feel loved, cared for, and a worthwhile person. 

I haven’t felt that since. 

I just recently started talking about my abuse. It’s been tough.

I told my therapist and two of my friends. One of my friends is trying to help but he doesn’t understand what I’m going through. He keeps pointing things out and saying, “I’m not going to coddle you. You’re not the person I know you as. You’re not being as strong and independent as you can be.”

It’s just making me feel guilty, ashamed, unloved, and even lonelier than before.

Part of me wants to go back to my abuser. He’s the only person that has made me feel beautiful, loved, safe.

But there is something wrong when a 44-year-old man tells a sweet, innocent little 12-year-old girl, “I love you and you love me, and when two people love each other, they have sex.” That’s what he did for years.

Part of me is disgusted by him. I hate him for what he did to me.

And the other part just wants to feel loved again.

Source: bandbacktogether.com

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