It Could Be Nothing…

My husband hasn’t been feeling well lately. Acid reflux, abdominal pains, and an overwhelming sense of exhaustion.

Last week, he saw a specialist, who took swabs and ran blood tests.

Yesterday, he called my husband and ordered him to the hospital for an emergency biopsy. While we were at the hospital, an appointment was made for an abdominal ultrasound. The doctor is pushing for results as fast as possible.

What’s the rush?

The rush is scaring me. The rush means that the doctor is concerned. Concerned about what?

I find myself considering logistics. If my husband is seriously ill, what arrangements do I make with my job for more time at home? How do I set up the kids schedules? How do I arrange my house to make it safe and easy for him to move around? What financial arrangements need to be made? Are wills up to date and in order?

I find myself wondering if I have the strength to care for a sick husband. Can I do everything? Be everything I want to be? Will I be able to take care of my husband and still give my children everything they need? Will taking care of him cause me to lose the little bit of self that I’ve so recently begun to discover? Am I selfish for wanting a bit left over for me?

What if he dies? How will I help my children through their grief? Who will help me through my grief?

As these thoughts run through my mind like an out-of-control train, I realize I’m jumping the gun.

We don’t even know anything. Not yet. It could be nothing; then again, it could be something.

Not knowing is almost more frightening than knowing.