Don’t Mess With Me Or I’ll Cut You
Dear Clothes That Hang In My Closet,
I am nice to you. I take you out of those boring stores full of fluorescent lights that give you a slightly greenish hue and bring you home with me, where the lighting is nice and the temperature is cool.
You hang out in my closet with all your other clothes friends.
I lovingly select you one at a time, and take you on little trips - to the park, to the store (where you can visit all those clothes that haven’t found good homes and feel comforted that you have). Sometimes we go to a movie. You are always there when I go out to eat. Every fun thing I do, you come with me.
You are treated well. There’s nothing for you to complain about. Okay, there was that time I thought that I could make my jeans look distressed like the ones I saw in that magazine. I know that didn’t work out so well. But those jeans are gone, and I have never experimented that way since.
You told me that you forgave me.
I’m reminding you of this because I have one request. You have lived with me for a long time now; I think it is time you started pulling your own weight around here.
I’m happy to place you in the hamper and not dump you in the middle of the floor to be trampled upon.
I’m happy to put you in the washing machine; I’ll even treat your stains and use fabric softener.
And you, the T-Shirts that are afraid of shrinking, I’ll remember to not put you in the dryer, therefore saving you a trip to the Goodwill from which you would never return.
This is where pulling your own weight comes in: when that process is over, I expect you to hang yourself up (or fold yourself if you are hoping to fulfill your secret desire to be a contortionist).
You keep up your side of the bargain, and I will keep up mine.
PS. If you don’t keep up your side of the bargain - well, let’s just say that I still have those scissors and that magazine, and I seem to remember some other tutorials. One of them involved paint, a seam ripper, and some beads. The choice is yours. See you around the closet.