That’s the hour she woke me up, screaming. Still going on about last night’s argument. When I realize it, I shrug it off and ignore her while she screams obsenities at me.
Just another one of her episodes, I tell myself. But another one on Christmas. Usually these episodes last for a week to three. If I’m lucky, that’s getting away easy.
"Ungrateful stupid child, I do everything for you. *curse word* and you get mad because I say this simple word in front of your son that isn’t even a curse word. All the things I do for both of you, you should be ashamed of yourself."
It’s kind of hard to shut off that voice from my brain when it’s waking me up at that hour. When it’s shouting at me so hotly, hurting my ears. Still, I ignore her because I’m genuenly tired; I put my son to bed almost at 2AM and managed to fall asleep at 4:30.
"DRESS UP! YOU’RE COMING WITH ME."
My therapist has asked me to write down a list.
Right now, she doesn’t feel as though I’m ready for the therapy yet. It’s called Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR). As far as I understand, I have to relive my traumatic experiences, have the proper emotional response, get over it, then have Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) so I can have some sort of coping mechanism for the future. But until my medications are adjusted, and I’m in a better place, I have to wait.
So, here is my list:
- Sexual abuse around age 3 by a family member. Repressed this memory until it slapped me in the face at age 12, causing an intense anxiety attack.
- Constant arguing between my parents, thanks to my father’s alcoholism, gambling, and pain issues due to needing a hip replacement. The pain issue turned into an anger issue; turned into a power tool being thrown at my mother, missing, and going through the window and landing at my feet; followed by an argument on a holiday with my father resulting in me taking a heavy duty power torch to the head.
- As a “gifted child,” I was bullied a lot in primary school and high school. I still carry some of those emotional scars with me.